Emotional regulation is something we all do, whether we’re aware of it or not. It’s the process of managing our emotions, particularly the difficult ones—anger, sadness, frustration—in a way that allows us to move forward without being overwhelmed. But while some coping mechanisms help us navigate these emotions in a healthy way, others can pull us into a cycle of behaviour that feels good in the moment but ultimately leaves us feeling worse.

The Fine Line Between Adaptive and Maladaptive Coping

When life throws stress or hardship our way, it’s natural to want to find some relief. Adaptive coping mechanisms, like reaching out to a friend, going for a run, or practising mindfulness, are great ways to handle stress. They offer a healthy way to process and move through difficult emotions, often leaving us stronger and more resilient.

But let me be honest with you—sometimes, when things get tough, the easier, more tempting option is to reach for something that gives instant relief, even if we know deep down it’s not the best choice. These are what we call maladaptive coping mechanisms. They’re those quick fixes—binge eating, shopping sprees – also known as retail-therapy-, or that extra glass (or two) of wine—that seem to soothe the pain temporarily but often lead to more problems.

For me, it was shopping – I’d find myself scrolling through online stores late at night, justifying that new purchase with thoughts like, “I’ve had a hard day; I deserve this.” And yes, the rush of hitting ‘buy now’ did feel good—until the packages arrived, and I was left wondering why I bought another pair of shoes I didn’t need, or worse, facing a credit card bill that added more stress to the pile.

Food was another go-to for me. In moments of anger or frustration, I’d turn to comfort foods—those sugary, carb-loaded snacks that offered a momentary escape. But once the last bite was gone, I was often left feeling even more frustrated, this time with myself, for not having the willpower to resist.

The Subtle Trap of Maladaptive Coping

What makes maladaptive coping mechanisms so tricky is how easily they can become habits. When we’re in pain, the brain craves relief, and these behaviours can provide it—quickly, efficiently, and often unconsciously. Before we know it, these “one-time” behaviours start repeating, and they become our default way of dealing with stress.

Take binge drinking, for example. It might start as a way to unwind after a particularly rough day. But if reaching for that drink becomes your go-to response whenever you’re stressed, it’s easy to see how it can spiral into something more damaging—affecting your health, your relationships, and your overall well-being.

Or consider binge-watching TV. On the surface, it seems harmless enough. But if you’re using it to avoid dealing with uncomfortable emotions, it can turn into a way to disconnect from your life rather than engaging with it.

Bringing the Unconscious to Light

One of the challenges with maladaptive coping mechanisms is that we often don’t realise we’re using them to manage our emotions. They slip into our routines almost unnoticed. We might think we’re just relaxing or rewarding ourselves, but in reality, we’re avoiding something deeper—something that needs our attention.

To change these patterns, the first step is bringing them into awareness. Here’s how you can start:

1. Keep a Journal: Writing down your feelings and actions each day can help you identify patterns. When you notice that you’re consistently turning to shopping, eating, or drinking after specific triggers, it’s a sign that those behaviours are tied to your emotions.
2. Pause Before Acting: Next time you find yourself reaching for that credit card or opening the fridge, pause. Ask yourself, “What am I really feeling right now? Am I hungry, or am I just upset?” This pause gives you the space to choose a different response.
3. Talk to Someone You Trust: Sometimes, it’s hard to see our own blind spots. Sharing your experiences with a friend, family member, or therapist can provide insight and support. They might notice patterns that you haven’t and can help you find healthier ways to cope.
4. Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness helps you stay present with your emotions without immediately trying to fix or avoid them. By practising mindfulness, you can learn to sit with discomfort rather than reaching for a quick fix.

Choosing Healthier Coping Mechanisms

Once you’re aware of your patterns, the next step is to find healthier ways to cope with your emotions. This doesn’t mean you have to eliminate those comforting behaviours entirely—sometimes, a little indulgence is okay. But it’s about making sure they don’t become your only way of handling stress.

1. Find New Outlets: If you usually shop to relieve stress, try going for a walk or picking up a creative hobby instead. If you turn to food, consider talking to a friend or journaling about your feelings.
2. Set Limits: If you enjoy a glass of wine to unwind, that’s fine. But be mindful of how much and how often. Set a limit for yourself and stick to it, so it doesn’t become a crutch.
3. Build Emotional Resilience: Strengthening your emotional resilience means you’re better equipped to handle stress when it arises. This could involve learning new problem-solving skills, building a strong support network, or practising self-compassion.
4. Seek Professional Help: If these behaviours feel too ingrained to change on your own, don’t hesitate to reach out for professional support. A therapist can work with you to uncover the roots of your behaviours and help you develop healthier strategies.

Recognising the Lesser-Known Maladaptive Mechanisms

While binge eating, shopping, and drinking are common ways people cope, there are other, less obvious behaviours that can be just as harmful. Perfectionism is one such example. On the surface, striving for perfection might seem like a good thing, but it often masks deeper insecurities and fears of failure. Over time, it can lead to chronic stress, burnout, and a constant feeling of never being good enough.

Another subtle but damaging coping mechanism is emotional suppression. This is when you push down or ignore your emotions rather than dealing with them. It might feel like a way to stay strong, but in reality, it can lead to emotional numbness, increased stress, and even physical health issues.

Moving Forward: Awareness and Choice

At the heart of emotional regulation is awareness—recognising what we’re feeling, understanding how we’re responding, and making conscious choices about how we cope. It’s not about being perfect or never slipping up. It’s about noticing when we’re falling into old patterns and choosing to do something different.

I still have days when I’m tempted to soothe myself with a new pair of shoes or a sugary snack. But now, I try to pause, reflect, and ask myself what I really need in that moment.

Sometimes, the answer is still that treat, and that’s okay. But more often, I find that what I need is something deeper—connection, rest, or simply to sit with my emotions for a while.

And that’s the key! Emotional regulation isn’t about never feeling stressed or upset, but about learning to navigate those feelings in a way that honours our emotional needs and long-term well-being. It’s a journey, not a destination, and every step we take towards greater awareness and healthier coping is a step towards a more balanced, fulfilling life.